At first, I thought “Idol” was just a classier karaoke contest, but I saw some of the earlier talent and they helped eclipse any preconceived notions I had about the show. I saw the careers the show created and the awards these singers won. “Idol” legitimized itself as a realistic avenue to break into the business whether that led to a recording career or acting on television or film or Broadway.

This season I primarily skipped every episode until the top 24 performed separately: 12 females on the first night and 12 males on the second. I couldn’t believe the awful performances from the contestants and how every performance sounded like – gasp – bad karaoke. The lack of drive and passion seemed to be missing from these contestants. It didn’t seem like any of them truly cared whether or not they delivered even though this is probably their best shot at any sort of exposure. Perhaps these contestants think mediocrity is enough to get them through. And they wouldn’t be completely incorrect to believe that given some of the more terrible contestants to make the top 12 in seasons past (I’m looking at you, Sanjaya.)

I don’t think I am asking for too much when I want to watch a talent competition to see, you know, actual talent. Maybe one week’s worth of dull performances will wake some of these contestants up and make them realize they are probably competing in one of the weakest seasons in years. It is frustrating to watch an opportunity like this get blown away. Essentially, “American Idol” is all about timing, luck and song choice. They will have an easier time for themselves if they just pick the right song (and please not, Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” which is beyond cursed).

Sadly, the death of 21-year-old Georgian luge competitor Nodar Kumaritashvili on Feb. 12 dampened spirits.  Hours before the Opening Ceremony, Kumaritashvili had been practicing and veered off the track into a metal pole at 90 mph. Despite this tragedy, the small but strong-willed group of competitors from Georgia proudly marched in, though with deep sadness permeating from their faces. This sense of spirit and kinship was magical to witness. While most countries displayed some sort of team unity during the ceremony, Georgia, in particular, seemed more emotionally connected to one another.

The death of Kumaritashvili has made me realize the importance of living your dreams. This heartbreak has shown me just how valuable life is. Tomorrow is not a guarantee and we must live for today. I have a tendency to dwell on the past, but I hope to live in the present from now on. I know that any bumps in the road I hit are meant to bring me toward the path I was destined to lead. I have come to acknowledge that life is far greater than writing for this newspaper or attending Quinnipiac as a student.

Ever since I was a child, I thought I was too late for everything. For example, I wanted to play hockey in first grade. For some reason, I thought it was too late to join a team, so I never asked my parents to sign me up. Looking back, this could have easily been done. Would I have succeeded? Probably not, but it would have been worth the experience.

If anything, I have felt more impulsive lately (perhaps, a sign of growth?). As I look back at past regrets, I know that I do not want any repeat performances. I will feel ashamed years from now if I think back to my college experience with any unanswered questions or lingering thoughts about what could have been if I said this or did that. I feel numb to a point where I can say or do anything, regardless of the consequence (positive or negative) that may ultimately derive from said situation. This was never a possibility a year ago. I used to be into keeping a certain appearance, but I don’t really care anymore. It is not worth the time or energy to let other people dictate how I live my life.

I always considered myself an optimist with traces of cynicism sprinkled in depending on the situation. However, I was told in the last week that this is just deep-rooted pessimism. Oftentimes, I find myself immersed in my own world. I am open to change and seeing things differently from other perspectives. Here’s to looking at the glass half full.

Watching the Olympics, I see the bravery and heroism of several athletes. Many of them come from backgrounds of destitution and hardship. Others are beating the odds and competing at levels of competition they thought only existed in their dreams. I admire these competitors for following their hearts, and for several, participating in a once in a lifetime experience. These men and women, specifically, Kumaritashvili, have inspired me to work toward my goals with increased fervor and passion. It is not too late.

A few weeks ago, I was driving with my friend Hannah when an advertisement for a radio show aired and declared that “love sucks.” The program encouraged listeners to submit their old love letters to be burned and anti-love songs would be played in celebration. I mumbled that love does kind of suck. Good ‘ole Hannah was quick to come to its defense. She said that love does not suck, but has the possibility to be something great and worthwhile. Darn. I hate it when she is right (which is all the time). My cynicism has recently escalated to new heights, partially due to that four-letter word of pure evil. Oh, here comes the cynicism again.

Sometimes I do not understand why I continue to put all this out there for the tens or even hundreds of people who may read this. I should probably change the name from “Matty’s Musings” to “Boozy’s Blunder” after this one.  Every day, it feels like I’ve gotten a new bruise and my heart has gone through further wear and tear. I am not sure there is much left to give. But from my experiences, I hope someone or anyone gets something out of this. Even if it is only one person, I just want that person to know it is OK. You are not alone.

In my time writing this, I have come to terms with the cards I’ve been dealt and have decided to reluctantly move on from this all-consuming distraction. I am expecting to struggle. I realize no person is worth the sleepless nights or the constant ache that sometimes makes even eating not an option. I am not someone who likes to give up on anything, but it seems like the right time to fold.

To You, who has unconsciously held onto my heart, I have decided that I want it back. No longer will I allow myself to get caught up in the rapture of your smile or presence. You have opened me up to new possibilities. I thank you for temporarily diverting me into a fantasy world where I envisioned the two of us together. But I’m moving on and you don’t hold my dreams like you did before. I hope you realize what you want and go for it. And please stay true to yourself. Now it’s time for me to let you go.

I never actually found the closure I was looking for, but hopefully this is all I need to move on. I will no longer lose sight of reality or put every last wish into something that was never there. For the first time in a long while, I feel like I can breathe.

In the last several months, I have learned that love is pretty powerful. It is downright scary, actually. I am astonished at how it made me feel and I still think about what never was and what could have been. Maybe there was a reason for all of this. Not just for me, but others out there as well. Perhaps this person who holds our hearts in the form of unrequited love is supposed to guide us to the person we are meant to be with.

Rather than continue to be cynical, I dedicate this week’s column to those who have found love and others who have hope for today, tomorrow, next week and the distant future. This is also for Hannah, who has made me re-evaluate the not-so-evil four-letter word and who repeatedly shows me what it is like to maintain hope every day. As the great Conan O’Brien said, “Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.” That is a mantra we can apply to any and all facets of life.

My Mixed-Up Soundtrack:

Throughout this mind game of confusion, I have formulated a playlist of songs that have kept me sane, and dare I say, hopeful? Thematically, there is something here for everyone from feeling the joyous ectasy of love to the painful reality of letting go. Here’s to the sweet serenity of music.

1. The Zombies – “This Will Be Our Year”
Move on from the past and breeze toward new possibilities.

2. Lady Antebellum – “Need You Now”
This country stunner has swiftly risen to the top of the charts and gorgeously relays the sweet dramatic yearning of someone who’s not around.

3. Duffy – “Hanging On Too Long”
Sampling “I Heard It Through the Grapevine,” this Duffy tune is the perfect anecdote for those of us who hang on too long (in or out of a relationship).

4. Iyaz – “Replay”
This one is for Kyle Runfola and Kathy Tofil. You two run through my mind all day.

5. Eva Cassidy – “Fields of Gold”
Relish the joy of love now because it may not last for too much longer.

6. Neko Case – “That Teenage Feeling”
You are unwilling to settle for any love that is not perfect. You are essentially holding out for that teenage feeling.

7. The Swell Season – “In These Arms”
“Maybe I was born to hold you in these arms.”

8. Fiona Apple – “Paper Bag”
“I got to fold ’cause these hands are too shaky to hold / Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.”

9. Ray LaMontagne – “Hold You in My Arms”
LaMontagne’s voice can bring you up and down in the same song.

10. The Beatles – “All You Need is Love”
Peace of mind is found in times of trouble and not everything is left up to chance. Nothing is a coincidence.

During my break I was confronted with a number of options to best occupy my time. Mainly, I thought I could catch up on sleep and then work on applications for summer internships, while updating the resumé and writing a new cover letter. I was ready to go. However, I was sadly mistaken when procrastination won out once again. I decided to catch up on all of the television I missed over the past few months instead. But rather than watch the current crop of television shows, I found former ABC sitcom and current ABC Family staple “Full House” calling out to me.

Now, I am no stranger to “Full House.”  Oh, no. That is one of the few shows I recall watching as a child. In fact, I remember one instance where I wanted to watch a new episode and was blocked because I had to go to my older sister’s orchestra concert. I was 5 years old and I am still pissed.

All it takes is one viewing of the insanely familiar and comfortable intro to get hooked into the cheesy atrocity of a “comedy.” One of the more memorable aspects of the show included one or several characters undergoing some sort of life lesson in any given episode. This metaphorical hug to the audience usually led to a heartwarming discussion featuring the very special music playing in the background. You can practically see the Velveeta curdling from the screen during those scenes. Yet I am proud to admit that I learned numerous practical life lessons from these episodes.

Crash diets lead to unhealthy eating habits and a negative body image.

In the Season 4 episode, “Shape Up,” Kimmy Gibbler decides to host a pool party, which leads D.J. Tanner to feel self-conscious about her body. I learned here that no person is worth putting yourself through the rigor of a harsh diet just for society’s approval (I have yet to collapse at the gym, thank you very much). This very special storyline certainly rivals Jessie Spano’s caffeine pill addiction on “Saved by the Bell” and Sylvia being raped by a clown on “Little House on the Prairie” as some of the most gripping television ever produced.

Drinking beer during the middle school dance is totally not cool.

Uncle Jesse catches D.J. with a beer at her middle school dance in Season 3’s “Just Say No Way.” Jesse ultimately jumped to conclusions and assumed D.J. was drinking when she was not. This episode gave me a false impression of what it would be like to be in middle school. There was no live band at the Friday night dances. There was no beer stowed away in lockers (that I know of). There was no cute, awkward dancing during the fast songs unless you want to count grinding, which was certainly not cute for this 11-year-old.

Writing secret love notes has its consequences.

In a special three-episode arc during the fourth season where Danny dates his dry cleaner, Cindy, the audience is given the ultimate pleasure of becoming acquainted with her delinquent son Rusty.  One of Rusty’s great machinations came to play in “Secret Admirer” where he wrote an unsigned love note intended for D.J. from Ricky the paper boy. This note was passed throughout the household between different pairs. Hijinks ensued, of course. While never having to deal with secret love notes in real-life (unfortunately), I think we can all agree that Ricky the paper boy was not worth all the trouble. Sorry, D.J.

Having been anointed Princess for the day does not give you permission to be a royal pain.

To celebrate Uncle Jesse’s gig at Walt Disney World, the Tanner clan heads to Florida in the Season 6 finale, “The House Meets the House.” Said episode features spoiled and bratty Michelle in all her glory when she becomes princess for the day.  Now I have been to Disney World several times and never had the luxury of becoming rince for a day, but if I did, I know my place as the youngest in the family. I did find myself lost similar to Michelle though, it was not nearly as dramatic or fun.

Never bathe your goldfish.

In Season 4’s “A Fish Called Martin,” Michelle wins a goldfish at a carnival. Michelle foolishly gives her goldfish, Martin, a bubble bath, which effectively kills him. I have never had a pet, not even a fish, but it is refreshing to learn that a simple bubble bath would actually kill one. Once again, Michelle gets away with something (and in this instance, murder) because she is cute and adorable. I also learned from “Full House” that a frown and fake crying can go a long way.

I would like to thank “Full House” for providing a false sense of reality. Where is the forced hug after my sister and I quell an argument? Why is there no random, goofy and unsuccessful comedian living in my house to tell poor jokes to break the tension? Lastly, there is not enough Aqua Net in the world to get your hair to look like D.J. Tanner’s. Trust me. I’ve tried.