Dear Alicia

By on April 9, 2008

My roommate is a sex fiend and it makes me very uncomfortable. We share a room and she lacks common courtesy; she is either having sex or talking about sex. How do I confront her about this?

From Sexiled


Dear sexiled,

As you might know already, I am usually forward and blunt with my advice, so I am going to be the same here, right off the bat.

We are in college, and sex is apart of college.

I am not trying to make you feel bad, nor am I trying to put down your question. What I am trying to do is to hopefully make you look at this in a different perspective.

You might not be very used to this kind of behavior and being uncomfortable in your own room is definitely not something that anyone should go through. So I want to start tackling this problem by giving you some ways to handle this before you might have to confront her.

First, one of the best things that I think college does for anyone is open eyes to new things.

Maybe you aren’t comfortable with sex yet, and that is okay, but now is the time to open up. The way I see it, you should take this as an opportunity. If she is talking about sex, instead of getting weird and uncomfortable, listen. You might not have much to say or anything to say at all, but the second you start to feel awkward and out of place, you are the one putting yourself in that position. Try to sit back, relax and listen to some things that you might not want to hear or have never heard before.

Second, you can start a conversation with her about sex in general. Tell her how you feel about sex and how you are very different than she is. This might start a conversation that you have never had before (which is what college is all about).

It might also help her realize that not everyone is like her, especially about a topic such as this one.

Opening up to this topic and trying to stay laid back might help you get through the situation without a confrontation. I have learned that sometimes, you can’t change people, so why not make the best of it.

Okay, now to the more awkward part. If she is having sex in the room while you are in the room, she is going too far.

During my freshman year, many girls made a ‘slut hut’ as we called it. They hung sheets around their bunk for those intimate times.

What my roommates and I did freshman year was put a sign on the door to “come back later.” It gave us privacy. At times we would be annoyed if we saw that sign hanging on the door, but it was always better than walking in and being shocked.

At the same time as being laid back and open to new things, you also need to know what respect you deserve. The room belongs to both of you, so you both should be able to do whatever you want in the room, but you also need to respect each other and compromise.

If it still makes you completely uncomfortable even after you try to stay open minded and civil, then you should tell her that you do not disagree with what she is doing but you would like it if she kept you out of it.

Explain that you aren’t asking her to change but that you would rather leave the room for a while, instead of being caught in the middle of her intimate time.

It is okay to bring this to her attention because she might not realize that it is such a big deal to you until you bring it up to her. Just try not to do it in a confrontational way.

If all else fails, you need to have the “respect my needs too” conversation. It is always hard to live with someone in such close quarters but keep in mind that if you feel disrespected, you need to voice that feeling. You need to feel comfortable in your room, just like she does.


About Alicia Staffa