What Osama is really doing now might not be what you think

By on April 12, 2006

I was in class the other day doing my usual pretend to pay attention deal when a question popped in to my head: does Osama Bin Laden have instant messenger on his computer? I know it sounds ridiculous, but then I really starting getting in to it. I mean, whatever cave he is in, I’m sure he has some kind of wireless connection or something (trust me, I am reading this back to myself and it sounds a little absurd but just think of it).

Imagine his screen name as Jihadist449 or something like that, and he spends his days checking his buddies’ away messages. It is a pretty intriguing thought, isn’t it? I can see his profile right now:

Osama B.L.

143 to all my Qaeda bro’s

Much love to my 24 wives and my walking stick (don’t know where I’d be without you guys)

Countdown is on till Spring Break in the Valleys of Pakistan: 23 days, going to be off the hook.

“Picture me rolling” -Tupac

Now after reading this, you are either thinking this is a pretty interesting thought and a very possible scenario or I’m out of my mind. I guess after reading that I think of Osama as sort of a gansta but then I see him trying to read poetry at night also; kind of like the transition Shawn Hunter went through in “Boy Meets World”, rebel to begin with, then softened up and cried at night to Angela. That is another story though.

One thing is for sure; Osama uses his laptop all the time and may or may not have a blackberry. I mean he has to be pretty up with the times to keep fleeing from American and coalition troops.

Many in this part of the world think he is planning another terrorist attack, I think he’s planning a toga party. I mean this guy is a legend now in the Middle East; now he is doing what every other person does when they become famous: they sell out. He is still receiving all the credit in the news, but without any of the work. He is like the dentist who comes in for two seconds and “checks” for cavities when we all know the dental assistant did all the work. But who gets the check sent his way? You guessed it.

Gone are the days of strategic planning and revenge plotting, now Osama’s days consist of smacking his cronies around, ordering them to get him a Starbucks coffee and to make a giant sand castle.

It doesn’t stop with the instant messenger either, I bet he is on facebook and has a webshots account. It is very probable that he buys and sells his big walking sticks on EBay along with all those terror tapes he makes.

Now I am getting all worked up and I can see him and his buddies making rap tapes. I think they are probably in a circle right now “spitting flows” at each other and they definitely have rap names. D.J. Zarqawi, Funk Master O, and Big Terror Cell would just be a few.

Now it’s quite clear that I have an active imagination, but an interesting picture isn’t it? Some people have their opinions on what Osama Bin Laden is doing with all his time on the run, well this is my thought. It is quite clear that I have a little too much time on my hands in class, but what else am I going to do, learn? Please, I have bigger fish to fry.

Now I must go and look for Jihadist449’s away message and check out the activities for the day. While we continue to look for Osama in all the wrong places, I will find out what he is really doing because he is right under our interactive noses. I feel it.


About Mike Camerlengo