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She said; He said
Dear Shelly & Ricky –
Listen, I have been seeing this girl for a little over a month and I really like her, but I am not really into the whole relationship thing.
I told her that and she said she was cool with it, but I can tell she wants more. I started pulling away from her to see if my feelings changed and they have not: I like her even more and feel bad about not being with her. What do you think I should do? Should I give up my freedom or see if this will actually work?
– The freedom chaser
Dear Mr. Freedom,
Well obviously you are confused, but I hope your retreat and return to the relationship has not sent your sweetheart mixed signals.
Let us replay what you thought was the sensible course of action.
Boy and girl meet. Boy likes girl, and she likes him. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy freaks out of the idea of something more; girl is understanding and compromises. Boy decides that is not enough, so he pulls away to “make sure” she is good enough. Boy’s avoidance of girl is unfair and may have even made her doubt herself. Now boy wakes up to realize girl is worth something to him.
You are asking for advice? Here it is for her…she should drop your ass! If she is understanding enough to put up with the lack of commitment, but moreover your jerking around, than she is better than most.
This being said from the female perspective, be grateful of what you have for once! If your relationship was working at just ‘being together’ and not official, then stay there. The question should not be to move from one spectrum to the other, from bachelor life to being exclusive. If you like her, care for her, and are not just feeling guilty that she wants more, stick around.
But if you want to test other waters, the other women, do not cop out and tell her you cannot commit, be enough of a man to tell her the truth. It is not you (and your inability to commit) it is her. She is not what you are looking for.
I have heard cases of legitimate commitment phobia. But even a phobic can understand, that if you repeatedly push away those who care for you, one day you will find yourself alone.
Freedom is not a synonym for loneliness, which one do you really want to have?
Best of Luck!
Why not ask your question this way? “I really like this girl, but I also like the idea of hooking up with other people. Can I have my cake and eat it too?” The answer is NO.
Listen, if guys could be with the girl they really liked, while also hooking up with other girls, not only would the whole world be Morman, but I am fairly certain there would be peace in earth. That is just not how it works.
It seems pretty clear you are not ready for a serious relationship, or this would not even be on your mind. My best advice to you is to keep your freedom. It may be good for you to get this out of your system so that you can commit to someone (maybe her) in the future.
The way it seems to be going now though, someone is going to wind up getting hurt. If you really like her, spare her from a bad situation. Also, be fair to yourself. If your heart is not in it, its not worth it. Especially if it means you will be tempted to cheat.
Just do not string her along, cuz it seems she might let you do that. You might ruin something that can be good down the line.