She said; he said

By on October 23, 2003

Dear Shelly and Ricky,

I just started dating this amazing guy, but I am afraid to get to intimate with him. Before I started seeing this new guy, I was going out with this real jerk that slept around. I just found out about eight months ago that my ex-boyfriend gave me the sexually transmitted disease, herpes. So, now I have to figure out a way to tell the guy I am seeing. Guys, do you think I should break it to him before we start getting really intimate, or should I tell him when we finally decide to go all the way? Please help!

-Hiding Herpes

Dear Hiding,

Whoa, that is pretty serious. Before I give you may take on it, I think you should seek (or I hope you have already sought) professional medical services. Make an appointment to speak with your general practitioner or your gynecologists.
Now (unfortunately) you are a carrier of a STD, you need to learn the facts. Make that Dr. appointment pronto, until that day arrives, I have found a great source,, which might answer some of your questions.
Now, you are asking me advice about the non- uspecting partner? My only advice to you is to use your best judgment. Life decisions like this really test one’s virtue and ethics. Think of how upset you were, when the ex- did not mention he was a carrier. There is a small chance he was unaware of his infection, but even in this case, one should inform past and present partners that they are at risk – it is your responsibility as an adult participating in intimate relationships.
You might be worried from now own you will never find a partner if you tell every prospective partner of your infection. For one there are up and coming preventive medications and herpes treatments. Secondly, you should tell your partner, whom you are comfortable with that it is an issue he has to be aware of, before foreplay.
A truly trusting partner would see this as a small obstacle and not a dead-end of your relationship. Hiding, I am impressed about your attitude to share this information with your partner. If you are messing around, I say the sooner the better!

-Best of Luck-

Dear Hiding,

Although Dr. Baltimore has a nice ring to it, I am not a certified physician and therefore can only give my opinion.
I am under the impression that depending on the kind of herpes you have, you can transmit it in many other ways than “going all the way.”
With that in mind, you should probably tell him now, as you may have already passed your little present along. I watch enough “Blind Date” to know that there are medicinal options for getting rid of your problem (Valtrex anyone??).
Even if you are treated and have it under control, you can still pass it on. Tell him, or else you are just as bad as your “real jerk” ex-boyfriend. I’m not going to lie, this news may freak out the guy.
I hope for your sake you are good-looking enough for him to still want to risk it.

Good Luck hiding herpes, Hiding Herpes (haha)
— Ricky


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