She said; He said

By on September 18, 2003

Dear Shelly and Ricky-

I am a freshman and therefore, just started at Quinnipiac. I have had a hard time since I have been here because of my boyfriend. He goes to another school but he expects me to tell him everything I do- and I do tell him. But now whenever I drink, or go out or do something he doesn’t want me to, he threatens to break up with me. I started getting really depressed about it, so I shut off my phone and went to a club. When he found out, he broke up with me and called me a slut. I want him back, so bad. He is all I think about. What should I do?

– Trapped and Depressed

Dear T&D,

Are you serious, you want to get back together with a control freak? You feel comfortable knowing that your boyfriend will dictate every future move or decision you make. Why subject yourself to suffocation. Consider your loss a blessing and move on.
The college experience is one that is new to you and needs to be experienced at all stages. Having someone calling you at all time to have you check in, is unfair and reveals his lack of trust in your judgment.
You said you felt depressed before he broke up with you due to his over powering by nature. Now that he has cast you aside and called you an undeserving name, you really want to go back? You might fear losing him, but what you should really fear is your own strength. This time he broke up with you and only called you a name. What happens next time, when he is angrier? Will the verbal abuse turn into something else?
I don’t mean to scare you or exaggerate the situation. What is it about this man that makes you want to keep him in your life? If you cannot see it, then maybe a little separation would do you and him good. You know what little freedom he is offering. I suggest you compare, and accept the best offer.


Trapped and Depressed are two feelings you can reverse by taking this advice:
There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend being curious about your college life and your college experience, because he is genuinely concerned about your happiness and wants to be a supportive part of that life………………NOT!
Rule #1 about maintaining a healthy long-distance relationship is that both parties must trust each other and let the other person live their respective life. The reason your boyfriend calls you to give you the 5th degree is because he does not trust you. He thinks by threatening to break up with you, he can maintain some sort of power in the relationship even though he probably feels it slipping quickly away. This relationship is on shaky ground because of that fact alone.
Now lets add the fact that your boyfriend called you a slut. Not under any circumstances does someone who really cares about you call you a slut while he is breaking up with you, nor does he break up with you haphazardly after one small incident like that. Its not surprising that you want him back, I’m sure he has treated you like this the entire time you have been going out. Behavior like that does not just appear out of thin air. You have been taking it for so long, you do not even realize how abusive and degrading it truly is.
What should you do? You should be grateful that you have the opportunity to find someone who will treat you with some respect. I know that right now you feel like all you need is to make up and work things out, but I think deep down you know that an incident like this will occur again, given time. It will take a while, but when you over him you will be happier for it than if you return for more trapping and depressing. Its your call, but I think in this case, thinking with the head is better than thinking with the heart.



About Dear Shelly and Dear Ricky