She said; He Said

By on September 11, 2003

Dear Shelly and Ricky-

I am in a fairly new relationship – I have known my boyfriend of three months for a little over a year. The transition from friend to boyfriend was so easy because it just felt so natural. But now, we are having some major issues. He is treating our relationship as if it were still on the friendship level. With each new day, I am wondering if I did something wrong, or maybe it is just me? What can I do to resolve this? Is it worth fighting for anymore?
– Torn and tattered

Dear Torn,

The only thing you have done wrong is doubted yourself. Do not take blame for this irresponsible individual’s lack of commitment or emotion. Now that you understand it’s not you, what can you do to rectify this sticky situation?
So the transfer from friends to something more may have felt easy. By your own means you have accepted the change in the relationship, but he may be struggling. Some can accept change better than others. Maybe he just needs some time to steady this new balance. So what can you do? Just give him some time and reassurance.
It is a possibility that your guy thought that not much would change in the cross over from friendship to more. His lack of acceptance for the new expectations as boyfriend may be making things awkward on his end. If he is consistently treating you as a buddy over his girlfriend, it is a good sign that he cannot handle the added weight of the title. I would not suggest pressuring. You know what you want, and within minutes he could jump ship.
You have to scrutinize your relationship closely on your end. Offer going back to your old friendship or just to take things slow. Do realize if this isn’t what you had in mind consider flying solo. It’s better to be alone for all the right reasons then to be with someone for all the wrong ones.
This individual was your friend much longer than anything more. Either way your future relationship should be one valued, even if it did not last long. Just talk to the guy by listening to whatever he says (and accepting it) you are being a good friend.

Best of Luck,

T & T,

As I see it, there are 2 answers to your question.
Number 1: If this relationship budded over the summer and is with a guy who doesn’t go to school here, you are going to have to reinvent your entire relationship with him because you are changing from summer relationship mode to school relationship mode. What you perceive to be “friendship level” may just be a normal long distance relationship feeling.
Number 2: If this guy goes to school here and is treating you like a friend instead of a girlfriend, maybe he’s confused about what the deal is. As much as I hate “The Talk”, maybe you need to have it. If it’s “just friends” then you didn’t do anything wrong, it just didn’t work out.
Don’t try to force something that’s not there. Most likely you guys just need more time to sort things out. It’s only been three months, I’ve seen goldfish last longer. Try to readjust to being back at school before you let the relationship float to the top of the bowl.

– Ricky


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