Dear Shelly

By on November 7, 2002

Dear Shelly,
On a recent visit home, I reconnected with an ex-boyfriend. After spending the weekend with him, I remembered why things between us did not work originally. Though this may sound harsh, I no longer enjoy his company, and have come to the realization that we have both changed. Now, he will not leave me alone! How can I tell this guy, that though I had sought him out, I want him gone for good? Any suggestions?
Avoiding in Andover

Dear Avoiding,
Oh no, you have definitely fallen into the ex-boyfriend nightmare. Somewhere between the IMs and phone calls you thought about your ex in a different light. Maybe at one point both of you thought that if you got back together and started the relationship over, things would be like they use to be, but that was not the case. The reuniting just reminded you of why you broke up in the first place.
What advice can I offer you, if you did search this ex out? I am hoping that you gave him no come-on signals. Did you make it clear to him that you are happy how things are going right now, you being at school and him being in his perspective location?
When the two of you split, did you seal the separation with the “Let’s be friends” talk? I do need to mention how these three little words can do as much damage to a relationship as the actual termination of titles.
Do we need to divorce our ex? It might prevent future instances of a lingering. You ended the relationship, so give the deed to the friendship to the one who is dumped and back out of the picture. I know at first it is hard, but don’t IM your ex and tell him you are thinking about him. It is true that thoughts might be wandering, but to make ourselves available is another tease.
Remember, before your courtship began you had other friends. After the breakup, consider your dating relationship a success if you still have many of those friends by your side.
Next time you talk to the ex, let him know that it is difficult to still talk to him because of your history. If he asks for explanations tell him something, but nothing hurtful.
You can always tell him that at this present moment, speaking to him is a conflict of interest. I promise you after that, you will have a question left on his face, but I am sure he will leave you alone.
Good luck,


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